We all are searching for that ‘one of a kind love.’ It is the air we long to inhale and the touch we wishing to feel. But what does this ‘selfless’ emotion look like? What does is act like? And most importantly, what does the ‘real deal’ feel like? It is no wonder we are confused and exhausted. Somewhere, between crazy families and unrealistic marketing schemes, love gets cheapened and shallow. It is this twisting and turning of those messages that makes us feel dizzy with desperation. We are clueless about the songs we scream out alone in the car and the movies that bring us to tears even after seeing it twenty times. We are, nonetheless, sure of one thing; we desire to experience a selfless love.
The good news is that selfless love does exist. Now, mind you, it doesn’t happen often between two adults; but when it does, the world lites up and angels themselves bow low jealous of their union. As humans here to learn about love, these are the core behaviors that make up magical, romantic, and lifelong selfless love.
Allowing Truthfulness
Selfless love permits one another to openly and safely present our fears, flaws, and history without judgment Lovers with selfless motivations are compassionate listening soulfully to These actions provide a space for healing and growth which bonds and nurtures the relationship with self and our beloved..
Counselor’s tip: It is the lies we tell about both ourselves and others that create dis-ease. What goes in, must come out for a healthy lifestyle.
The gift selfless loves gives is ‘healing’.
Allowing Separateness
Although it is an often unspoken belief that our partner is there to complete us. This intense pressure to fulfill another’s dreams quickly becomes a never ending nightmare. No one can or should be burdened, yes burdened, to save another. Selfless lovers do their own emotional work This kind of love is the greatest gift another can give to help others find their life’s avocation and passions.
Counselor’s Tip: Poor boundaries blur the lines of individuality stifling independence, personal growth. In extreme doses, this relationships grows into an ugly relationship we label, co dependence.
The gift selfless love gives is ‘self worth’.
Allowing Choice
To allow another to choose how they want to spend their days, their months, their weeks without dogmatic corrections gives selfless love an ‘A plus.’ As humans we both need a nest as well as wings. Selfless love provides both. Be sure with this kind of positive support, they will come home to nest where safety fills them with the courage to start again tomorrow.
Counselor’s Tip: Giving space to become, fall, get up, and explore is the vitality that is a catalyst for dreams that do come true.
The gift selfless love gives is ‘self-actualization’.
Selfless love is authentic and gives someone the God like love we earn for. For some, we do find heaven in the eyes of another. This is magic. This is eternal. This is bliss.
We pray for love. We cry for love. We die for lack of love. However, we have little actual education for this non tangible emotion that is both a biological and spiritual need for our species. We wonder, “What exactly does healthy love look like?” “How do we separate ourselves yet remain connected?” “How much do we give?” “How much do we take?” True Love, the one of a kind love we all desire and deserve, is liberating not constrictive. Although general compromises are a part of healthy love, no one should be denied the freedom to grow spiritually, mentally or physically because of someone else’s issues. So before you martyr yourself doing any thing to stay in a relationship, consider these unholy compromises and the cost to your bliss and purpose in life.
Compromise of the Soul
Someone that really gets you sees the beauty of your soul and is there to assist in its mission. Whether your passion is to serve others or learn about yourself, your life force should NEVER be suppressed. Those who respect your soul’s adventures will enjoy watching you evolve and even when you make mistakes, are there by your side with a hankie. Sometimes, the face of your true love is there to positively contribute to your spiritual transformation with an open hand. Anyone that inhibits your journey or creates roadblocks to continuing your path of self-discovery no matter what they label it, is unworthy to be in the presence of the beauty of your eternal self.
Effect: To deny the soul and its desire to utilize this life time to live passionately is the precursor to eventual physical and mental illness.
Compromise of the Mind
I’ve heard those in love swoon, “I love their mind. They are so utterly fascinating to talk with. I could listen to them forever.” The mind joins the soul with our earthly personality in an orchestrated dance. It is in the cognitive and subconscious mind that we store information about the past, access pathways to healing, and create plans for the future. Those who make negative comments about your thoughts or feelings serve to shut you down that are meant to be experienced and explored. Shame on them!
Often our past requires assistance in terms of mental health therapy. At other moments, the mind needs to be still and rest. Some times visions and ideas zoom in at record speed. One of the most magical miracles of the mind is the ability to create and manifest innovative ideas. What a crime it would be to diminish the gifts your mind has to offer the world at the fearful whims of another.
Effect: To dissuade the process of the mind has the capacity to take away vision. Without vision, life seems worthless.
Compromise of the Body
The body is the temple of which houses the soul allowing it physical space to collaborate with the mind. Parents who abuse their children stunt and damage the conscious personality so that adversely hinders the ability connect with the soul. The goals of their life is masked with sorrow and heartache. As they continue throughout life they grow to permitting others to jeopardize their physical health based on early childhood experiences. Unsafe sex, drug use, physical abuse, assaults, damages the temple. Without the body it is impossible for the soul and mind to accomplish their mission.
Effect: To deny the right of the body to be itself manifests all sorts of malady. Some of those included but are not limited to body issues, various addictions, cutting, sexual promiscuity, suicide.
Counselor’s Tip:
Love is the door that has the capacity to lead one to experience either heaven or hell on earth. Choose wisely dear heart.
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More About the Author
April holds a Masters degrees in both school and community mental health counseling. After twenty-five years working as an educator, she is now a certified Licensed Professional Counselor working with those who have experienced emotional abuse, divorce, molestation, and addiction. April is the author of, Working My Way Back To Me, sharing the story of her #MeToo focusing on the transformation from #MeToo into #NowME. She shares the a process of Life with Love; Let it Happen which helps patients heal and rebuild their lives after pain and is involved in Post Modern Bomb Shells She is available for book readings, keynote speaking, and coaching.
Cover Image credits: Photo by Artem Beliaikin from Pexels
